This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
