Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Please, let me fuck your mom
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
