so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
