I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Hippo gnu deer
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize
