Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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