Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Randomize
