That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Randomize
