You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
