So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
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