Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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