my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
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