I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
