I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
