True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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