God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
