Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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