Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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