This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
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