ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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