"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
