Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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