All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
