Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
