can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
