Having a random hookup so left but love u
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
