Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
