if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
