it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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