He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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