the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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