I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
