just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
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I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
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Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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