"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
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