Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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