john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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