We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Randomize
