I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
