I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
sarcasm needs its own font
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Randomize
