Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Randomize
