I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
