My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
