I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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