somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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