forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
