when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Randomize