I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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