he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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