My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
