After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
