i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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