One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
