Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
