Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
