hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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