just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
He better not be in your backpack
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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